This week JIMMY SAVILLE Man Or Myth?
Yes indeedy faithful readers, Jimmy Saville. "must be dead by now" you must be thinking! But no, famous host of Jim'll Fix It and general all-round weirdo and comedy figure is still among us. That is, if he ever really was?
Most of us take it for granted that people like Jimmy Saville (when I, Morrissey, say people like Jimmy Saville I am, of course, referring to such people who don't have to do anything to be funny, they just have to walk around (Jim Bowen, Denis Norden, The Chuckle Brothers etc.) are in fact alive and real. But, in the course of my Morrissey-Investigations, I have discovered some pretty weird stuff:
1. The first recorded instance of this charming man Jimmy Saville was in 1765 when the local minister of the small village of Piddletrenthide in Dorset recorded " a man claiming witchcraft" who said he could make all our dreams come true. He proceeded to light up a magic stick in his mouth - he called this witchcraft a "cigar" then gave each of us badges reading "Jim Hath Fixed It For Me?" We naturally tried to burn him at the stake but he managed to flee before we could catch him. It seems certain that this was Saville. I bet he was thinking "Now I know how Joan of Arc felt, as the flames rose to her" oh alright, I'll get on with it.
2. Small boy Ralph Bickerstaff, who appeared on the fabled TV show Jim'll Fix it describes his first meeting with Saville - (by the way, this interview was a real coup, the guy hardly ever does interviews - a bit like me, Morrissey. That's who I am, you know.) Readers of a squeamish nature might like to stop reading now.
"When I put out my hand to shake Jimmy's, he seemed reluctant to shake mine. I thought it was simply because I came from Birmingham and so I hadn't washed for weeks, but he seemed to adopt a similar attitude with everyone. He was especially paranoid about his cigars. I once tried to take one as a souvenir but Jimmy instructed five really fat men to jump on top of me and wrestle the cigar out of my hand. Later that day, I sneaked up to his dressing room and hid inside the wardrobe. When he came in to get ready for the show, he inhaled on the cigar for at least 5 minutes without stopping. The cigar glowed bright orange and Jimmy seemed somehow brighter, stronger afterwards. He went out of the room. I followed him and there he was, shaking hands with everybody. I remain convinced that Jimmy Saville is an alien hologram who is completely composed of light, until he gets a special power from his alien cigars that allows him to assume human form for one or two hours while he is being filmed. This would also explain how he continues to run the London Marathon each year despite apparently being old and decrepid." Hmm....what do we make of this then? Is Jimmy Saville really an alien among us? He is certainly odd enough (did you see that documentary thing with him?) but does he even exist? Some think not, as the next section of my Morrissey-report will show......
3. Professor Louise Barlow, of University College, Durham, believes that Saville is not real at all, but just a myth.
"The amount of reverence held up to Saville who, basically, is just a decrepid old man with stupid white hair, is very typical of social attitudes toward mythical creatures. Just look at the Loch Ness monster - just a big fish with humps. Society is prone to invent inadequate creatures and then endow them with mythical characteristics, if not to give them a sense of the occult and bring some excitement into their otherwise small and pathetic lives, then perhaps just for a bit of a laugh. Whichever way you look at it, Saville is not real. He is a myth."
So, some people think that Saville is an alien, others that he is hundreds of years old, others that he is not even real. Whatever the Morrissey-truth is in this perplexing Morrissey-investigation, you can bet your bottom dollar that there is more to this Jimmy Saville character than meets the eye......
But really, What Difference Does It Make?
......sorry boss, I won't do it again.
This is me, Morrissey, saying farewell and adieu for this month. But I will be on the lookout for other things to investigate next month, so stay tuned. |
