No-one can escape the overwhelming clutches of the Overwhelming Monkey!! I strike my victims when they least expect it, sending a horrific shudder down their spine as my tail wraps around their usually bearded face! It can take days of grappling to unprise my monkey fingers from their bodies and clothes.

Do not feel safe in your badly decorated bedrooms or cosy fire-lit sitting rooms, for I, the overwhelming monkey, am closer than you think!! I'm ready to pounce at the unlikeliest moment...

This month I have overwhelmed 114 people. I set a new personal record of 39 in one single day.

Here are the top 5 victims of this month....

1) Huw Edwards

I managed to overwhelm the BBC Welsh newsreader three times in a single hour, each time my monkey fingers being quickly prised away by beefy BBC security guards. Curses! Unfortunately he was not on-air any of the three times...but wait till next time you Welshman!

2) Terry Waite

The former hostage was an easy overwhelm for a professional monkey like me. His bearded face allowed such a degree of leverage that I was able to leap onto his face and completely overwhelm him within 43 seconds. He fell to the floor and remained paralysed for 16 hours before paramedics and police could free him from my athletic-monkey grip.

3) Jon Howells

This bastard, this well-known charlatan from Mansun.org, was a piece of piss to overwhelm. Hear that Howells? Eh? Eh? I could have overwhelmed you in my sleep! A small macaque monkey could have overwhelmed you, you failure!

4) Betty Boothroyd

The first lady-victim of the week was the well-known former speaker from the House of Commons. She proved to be one of the most difficult to overwhelm in the entire week. I was forced to wait 8 hours in a House of Commons toilet cubicle before she fell for my monkey cunning. She had just sat down when I leapt from on top of the cistern. Almost completely disorientated by her overly-permed hair it took me three and a half minutes to get a grip on her face. However, the sheer volume of her hair meant that it took three days for rescuers to reach me and remove me!

5) Simon Leroy

The Mancunian painter and decorator from Chorlton, Manchester was an opportunist target and one not to be missed. Walking...well, swinging my way to work on a Tuesday morning I saw him leaning over a motorway bridge on the M60 near junction 8. As he looked downwards at the flaking paintwork the last thing he expected was to see a monkey advancing from below to overwhelm him. His bald head proved difficult to grip, but his large ears allowed me to hang on long enough to place my legs around his head and neck. Unfortunately this overwhelm ended in tragedy after he stumbled off the bridge, fell onto the carriageway and was run-over by a Polar freeze refrigeration truck. However, looking back it's quite funny and so he makes it into the top 5 anyway!