I once encountered an old man/geezer/gentleman* *(delete as appropriate) who's face was covered in pigeon poo. Understandably he wasn't very happy. At first I thought that he was simply the type of person who walks around with pigeon poo on his face (come on - we've all seen them!) but when I asked him what had happened I knew that a deeper investigation was required.

WORDS OF OLD MAN:

"Flaming Pigeons! Do you see lad, eh? Eh? Do you see what's on me face. Pigeon poo. Tha's what lad! Flaming Pigeons!"

It was tempting to laugh at the old man.

"Flaming Pigeons! I were off t'bakery for me usual daily dose of brown bread. Aye, you can't beat it for taste. All of a sudden the pigeons started flying over me and pooing on me. I fought in a war you know. I got pigeon poo in my eye. Third time this week. French bastards."

This fine specimen of an old man was a victim, a victim of the evil cunning that is "Pigeon Power". Admittedly, it could be said that he's simply the victim of an animal's bowel function, but this goes much deeper than that. I decided to investigate.

REPORT ONE - The problem

Why do pigeons poo everywhere? Spend half an hour walking around a typical town centre and you will come home covered in the product of these ugly, evil, foul smelling bastards. I spent six weeks hiding in a box in Burnley Town Centre. I made some startling discoveries.

Every night after the shops had closed and the streets emptied, hundreds of pigeons would appear and indulge in a giant pigeon party. The gathering pigeons would party into the early hours to the music of 60s American band The Byrds. A large amount of reminiscing was also done about the children's programme "Pigeon Street". This show was the pigeon's 15 minutes of fame. Whilst watching the programme the pigeons would eat a wide selection of after dinner biscuits shoplifted from Marks & Spencer along with "Cheeses of the World" stolen from the same store. This would all be washed down with Vodka.

However, certain nights in the pigeon calendar would take a more sinister turn with the arrival of ex -Really Wild Show presenter Chris Packham, dressed in a pigeon mask. Packham would then lead the pigeons in a three hour ritual dedicated to a statue of the king of bird watchers - Bill Oddie.

After the ritual, Packham would then give the pigeons their orders for the next day. For example, I once witnessed Packham demonstrating the angle of attack for releasing pigeon poo into children's ice creams along with techniques for molesting slow-walking old men. It enraged me.

Now I have the behavioural patterns of the pigeon catalogued, next month we will hit back. The end of the pigeon is nigh! Join me for our hour of triumph next month!!