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Due to an incident involving animals that I really don't want to get into, Judas Bradley have blackmailed me into revealing some of my secrets to their website. I mean, they were only chipmunks. You can't blame someone for wanting a chipmunk now and then.
Anyway, I'll get on with it.
For my first lecture, I will describe the history of the Teamaster. Later I will offer tips on how to emulate the famous acts of myself.
One thousand years ago, in Japan, I was a mere pastry chef in a small village. I specialised in making gingerbread pandas. If you're interested contact me for a catalogue of pastries available from my new "Teamaster" range of pastries. I happened to get a lot of stick from the other lads in the village who were training to be warriors:
"Where's your poof pastry?"
and
"Queer!"
are just a few examples of the daily hassle I endured.
One day my village and the surrounding villages declared war on a town near Kobe. This didn't go down well (oooo pardon) with the town and there was going to be a battle. All the young warriors were polishing their armour and getting their swords ready whilst me, the pastry chef was stuck in a kitchen with my flowery pinny on.
After all the warriors left I climbed up to the top of a nearby hill to watch the battle unfold. There were thousands of young and old men on each side and it was an amazing sight to see. However, my boys started to lose and the battle wasn't going very well. I stood there covered in flour, pastry clinging to my nice pink pinny. I couldn't stand it anymore. Something took over me, and I rushed back to the village with a strange idea.
Minutes later I returned with a tea trolley, and rushed to the centre of the battlefield. Oh you should have seen those sweaty men! The memory will live with me forever. Er...anyway a few of my saucers got smashed, but soon I was in the middle of the battle. I climbed to the top of the trolley and shouted "stop!" Amazingly everyone stopped.
"Make Tea, not war!" I shouted.
Everyone stood still, and all was quiet except for my kettle boiling. I then started to pour out cups of tea for everyone. Twenty-three thousand cups I had to make, and I was there for 32 hours...but I did it. By the time I'd finished everyone was saying what a lovely cup I make, and they stopped fighting and went home!
But before they went, they all stood and hailed "the Teamaster". I would then tour the local villages with my trolley, and people would come from miles around to see the Teamaster.
And so the legend was born.
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